Twilight Lawns plc

Words of Comfort


Thursday Evenings at 6:30 during March


In preparation for Easter Week

and no doubt riding the crest of the authorship wave

following his blockbusting treatise:

Surely God Must Be An Englishman


his equally well received Paper

delivered to

the Canterbury Ecclesiastical Reformation Assembly 2008:

“DNA testing proves that the Blessed Virgin Mary

probably originated somewhere in Hampshire”


The Reverend Hugh Halitosis

will present


An interesting lecture concerning

The Missing Years of Baby Jesus and the Immigrant Family.


This lecture will take place in The Lady Margaret Bullivant Library and Quiet Room on the Upper Floor of the Princess Margaret-Rose Memorial Wing.  To add further interest to this wonderful talk, Reverend Halitosis will be showing a series of colour slides to back up the fascinating evidence concerning the Immigrants’ flight.


Reverend Halitosis will endeavour to answer some of the beguiling questions that have baffled Historians and Theologians over the last few hundred years… or even longer.


• He points out how the Immigrant Family, fleeing the wrath of a (nowadays) misjudged King Herod, crossed the English Channel and eventually found themselves on the platform of the Surrey railway station of Mouldy Bottom. Had they missed their connection?  Was this their real destination?


• Where were they for the intervening years between arriving in Blessed Blighty and returning to Judea?


• He will show, elegantly and convincingly, how British Rail Timetables, or their inexactitudes, lent a hand in creating one of the more interesting conundrums in History.


• Is it possible that they, the Immigrant Family, lived for some, if not all of that time, in Surrey, very close to the railway station where they had first set foot on England’s Good Soil?


• Did they apply for citizenship?  And if not, why not?  If so, were they accepted?  Were they refused?  And on what grounds?


Records, although not inconclusive, suggest that The Surrey Years, as this lapse in Historical Knowledge is now known, can be tabulated from reliable sources:  An early version of the present Church of England was already flourishing in Surrey at this time; and has fortuitously preserved many of the relevant documentation which have been the source of Rev. Halitosis’s learned work.


These highly reliable sources indicate that, upon taking up residence in one of the pleasant, rose covered cottages which were readily available for a reasonable rent to more desirable tenants, (a far cry from the cramped conditions of that outhouse in Bethlehem) the Immigrant Family, by serendipity, having very strong Northern European features, as shown in paintings and stucco work of the time, very soon were accepted by the local community.  Many clasped them to their bosoms; respectfully and in a habit which has ever remained English... Welcoming, Egalitarian (depending on the recipients' place in the class system) and Considerate


The young Jesus went to a good, Middle Class School where he learned to play cricket, excelled in an early form of Rugby, and learned all that is required of a stable, well mannered, Middle Class Lad.  In consequence he spoke English with an accent that wouldn’t single him out in the better parts of Dorking or Guildford to this very day.




A FOOT NOTE: It is therefore imperative that, when one says one’s prayers, one remembers to speak well, observe the rules of good speech, and never forget that Jesus and The Rest of Them are more likely to answer prayers if asked sensibly and with restraint but most importantly, grammatically.




Tea and Refreshments will be served during the Intermission.  Those of a more convivial disposition are invited to join Matron, the Rev Halitosis and Staff in a small libation in The Princess Margaret Rose Cocktail Bar & Lounge.

Twilight Lawns Railway Station 1

The Old Railway Station at Mouldy Bottom.  

Here the Immigrant Family first experienced the warmth of  British Hospitality.

Twilight Lawns Railway Station 3

Our National Heritage

Part of the track at Mouldy Bottom which has existed since before Roman Times.

The young Jesus often walked along this track on his way to his nice Middle Class School.

The above is an advertisement for Dulcie cards.  

All names & addresses are purely fictional; any similarities between persons, living or dead are coincidental & the product of a deranged mind.

Twilight WGGrace

Taking the Crease

A fun day out with the Games Master at Mouldy Bottom Grammar School.  

The young Jesus can be seen on the far left in the background.


Life was not All Work and No Play

Breaking News

Following his journey to the Middle East at the beginning of this year,

His Grace, Setrag, Armenian Archbishop of Highbury & Islington

is pleased to report that he is in possession of irrefutable evidence, gathered in bona fide documents, that Jesus wasn’t just an ordinary chap.  It has been proved conclusively that He was hyphenated.  

Accordingly, His Grace has ordered that Jesus will no longer be referred to in the Dioceses of Highbury and Lower Highgate, as just plain Jesus,

but by His full name: 

Jesus Christ-God.


In view of this momentous news, His Grace will be delivering a Paper at a Specially Convened Ecumenical Council, to which will be invited all interested Heads of the Appropriate Religious Groups.  


N.B. In appreciation for his selfless efforts in this field, it is rumoured that His Grace, Archbishop Setrag, is to be considered for Canonisation,

and in anticipation of same, the Paper:

“Jesus Christ-God – Not Just an Ordinary Bloke”

will be published on the Archbishop’s birthday (19th June).  

All this will lead hopefully to this day becoming the official

Saint’s Day of

Saint Setrag – Patron Saint of The Posh.