As reported in an earlier newscast by C.N.N.:
Following his journey to the Middle East at the beginning of this year,
His Grace, Setrag, Armenian Archbishop of Highbury & Islington
is pleased to report that he is in possession of irrefutable evidence, gathered in bona fide documents, that Jesus wasn’t just an ordinary chap. It has been proved conclusively that He was hyphenated.
Accordingly, His Grace has ordered that Jesus will no longer be referred to in the
Archdiocese of Highbury & Islington, as just plain Jesus,
but by His full name:
In view of this momentous news, His Grace will be delivering a Paper at a Specially Convened Ecumenical Council, to which will be invited all interested Heads of the Appropriate Religious Groups.
R.S.V.P. 17th June
Seating is limited and the caterers have to be informed concerning numbers.
(Our Muslim Friends have, as yet, not responded, but in view of the ecumenical nature of the lecture, we are hoping that they will turn up eventually. As an inducement, the vol-au-vents and samosas will be Halal and any Hindus, who are attending as observers, are assured that the meat will probably be lamb or chicken or pork or whatever those chaps eat... unless they are vegetarians. If that were to be the case, Mumbai Cash-and-Carry is just around the corner in Krishna Terrace, so self-caterers are assured that they will not go hungry)
N.B. In appreciation for his selfless efforts in this field, it is rumoured that His Grace, Archbishop Setrag, is to be considered for Canonisation,
and in anticipation of same, the Paper:
“Jesus Christ-God – Not Just an Ordinary Bloke”
will be published on the Archbishop’s birthday (19th June).
All this will lead hopefully to this day becoming the official
Saint’s Day of
Saint Setrag – Patron Saint of The Posh.
News Flash: 31st May
Archbishop Setrag woke in the early hours of this morning; his nose and mind assailed by the holy, yet pungent scent of incense.
He heard a sepulchral voice proclaim:
"Observe and weep, O Blessed Servant, a Great Message for you and your Peoples".
At once there appeared before him; The Blessed Virgin Mary.
She held in her right hand, the Martyr's Crown,
and in her left, not her usual emblem, the Lily,
but an Orchid.
"And this shall be your sign," she said in a heavy Middle Eastern accent. Then she may have added, "Nowah Amin" but Archbishop Setrag could remember no more, and fell into a trance of ecstasy.
For those of you interested in Portents, Hints & Divine Messages,
this seems to imply that on his demise,
our Dear Archbishop will become the Patron Saint,
not only of the Posh, but also of Orchids.
It is not clear at this stage, whether he will be the
Patron Saint of the Posh & Orchids
the Patron Saint of the Posh & Orchid Culturalists
(if there are such a group)
but time will tell.
Regardless, his emblem will no doubt be that Blessed Plant.
(Lovely specimens are available at Sainsbury's and IKEA)
The above is an advertisement for Dulcie cards.
All names & addresses are purely fictional; any similarities between persons, living or dead are coincidental & the product of a deranged mind.
From a petitioner:
Your Grace, I would like to draw your attention to this piteous little soul.
He said that he didn't want his friends to see him like this, but I've told him you would be really worried. He's just come out from having major surgery and he's still very weak. The doctors said it was touch and go and he remains in an induced coma.
Have a look at the sickest orchid in the world...
Would you please ask the Good People in your Archdiocese to pray for this little chap.
Dear Seto, (Petitioner),
Whereas you (by reputation), like the Priest and the Levite, would walk by the 'Traveller Fallen among Thieves'; you lavish care and attention on this dear little plant,
I have mentioned your kindness, and the trials and tribulations of Master Orchid, to His Grace, Archbishop Setrag. He has ordered Special Prayers to be said throughout the Diocese of Highbury and Islington for four consecutive weeks, These special prayers are to be said, asking for the immediate recovery of Orchid, and to assist your soul to eventually fly to Paradise in the (to be hoped for) far, distant future.
(Private Secretary to His Grace
Dear Fr Hayastan,
I've just been crying for the last couple of hours. I was going through some old pictures and I found a picture of him in his prime, when he was still modelling in New York.
Who'd have thought something like this would happen to someone so beautiful. He was a handsome chap *sniff*
His Grace sends his regards, and asks whether you would send Orchid's real name so that prayers would be more efficiently offered. He also noted that you and he share a forename. What a coincidence!!!
Ok, so Orchid's Malaysian name is Dzulkifli Tengku, but he also has a "western" name, just for claiming housing benefit and disability allowance, at the moment. Apparently it looks better on the paperwork and he has a mate in Hackney town hall who fast tracked his documents.
His English name is "Quentin Chamberlain". Stands out like a fucking sore thumb, innit? He thinks THAT name sounds typically English. Twat!
By the way. I spoke to the doctor today, and he has reassured me that, "If he comes out of this,
he won't be a vegetable!"
Quote of the week
"The doctors say that if he comes out of this,
he won't be a vegetable!"
An Interesting Little Note from Mrs Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh:
One was taking tea at the Ritz on Tuesday of last week in the company of Our Dear Patron and Benefactress, H.R.H. Princess Alice of Schleswig-Philistine von Gotha und Hans-Knees-und-Bumsen-Daisy Und-So-Weiter.
Whilst sampling the petits fours, one’s eye was caught by a most distinguished gentleman at the next table, who happened to be taking tea with one’s old friend, the Bishop of Guildford. The two gentlemen acknowledged us and we exchanged cards.
The distinguished gentleman with His Grace, the Bishop of Guildford, turned out to be a Gentleman of the Cloth also. He was His Grace, Setrag, the Armenian Archbishop of Highbury and Islington, a foreign gentleman, but with the impeccable manners of well bred, moneyed, Middle Eastern Gentlefolk.
One had heard that he had been abroad for a while excavating or deciphering or whatnot, and one was astounded and almost a little interested to learn that he had returned to England with a little lecture under his belt.
Apparently he had been searching, unsuccessfully, in London, for a suitable venue at which to deliver his lecture, and at tea time had sought refuge at the Ritz where he had sunk into the welcoming upholstery of their dining chairs; exhausted and unfulfilled.
One has graciously decided to allow His Grace to use the Queen Alexandra Day Room and Recreation Area, for a preliminary run through of his little talk.
Accordingly, it is with pleasure that
H.R.H. Princess Alice of Schleswig-Philistine von Gotha und Hans-Knees-und-Bumsen-Daisy Und-So-Weiter,
invite you all to attend the preliminary lecture given by
His Grace, Archbishop Setrag:
“Jesus Christ-God – Not Just an Ordinary Bloke”
which will take place in the
Queen Alexandra Day Room and Recreation Area
at 3:00 p.m. on June 17th.
A light tea will be served to those visitors who make the effort by dressing nicely and showing finesse and decorum..
Dear Mr Seto
(I'm sorry; we do not have your surname on file... I hope it has at least a couple of dozen letters, ending in 'ian'. After all, one hopes that you are Armenian or have strong Armenian connections).
Archbishop Setrag has asked me to enquire of you whether Dear Little Quentin Chamberlain (Shouldn't that be Chamberlian?) has fully recovered, from his ordeal.
His Grace has mentioned that it would be rather lovely, and also beneficial to those who are, as we speak, on their knees praying for the recovery of their own little Orchid Friends; if there could be some sort of a photographic record of Dear Little Quentin’s stages of recovery, or at least his present state of health. You must know someone who would have a Box Brownie, or some other form of photographic equipment…. (My little joke.
But, “Anyone can take a fxxxing photograph”, as the last Pope (John Paul II) was wont to say, in his comical Polish accent).
A close friend of His Grace, Mrs Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh (a lady of great compassion) has informed me that at Twilight Lawns plc, a home for the more Genteel Elderly in Surrey, there is a suite of rooms, with all amenities, that caters for those who require peace, quiet and tranquillity during convalescence. (A little refuge in a troubled world) These facilities would be available to you or to Dear Little Quentin at a nominal rate, if you should so wish to avail your good selves of them.
(See our brochure, available to you, if you require same on www.twilightlawnsplc.co.uk).
Yours most sincerely,
Personal and Private Secretary
His Grace, Setrag, Armenian Archbishop
of Highbury & Islington
(Presently residing in Norbury-sur-Mer as the guest of his dear and trusted friend:
Mrs H. Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh)
Dear Father Hayastan,
I would like to thank you on behalf of Mr Chamberlain, for your kind email expressing your concern for his health. He would like to assure you that he is feeling much better after the surgery removing several dead leaves from his stem.
Since he began his convalescence at home, he has been coming on in leaps and bounds and is so grateful for all the well wishers and friends who have supported him through the last few difficult months. Naomi Campbell recently sent over some diamonds she "had no use for no more". Kate Moss sent over some cocaine and Britney wished everyone at Chamberlain Towers a "Merry Christmas".
I believe you may also know of a lady named Gxxxxa and her beautiful daughter, Vicky, both of whom have been there for Mr Chamberlain when he needed them most. Only the other day, Gxxxxa very kindly sent over a beautiful wreath, shaped like a swastika. We weren't quite sure what to make of this, but Mr Chamberlain suggested that Gxxxxa has discovered Hinduism and it was her way of letting him know that he was in her prayers to whichever blue god's day it was that day.
I have attached a recent photograph of Mr Chamberlain, taken by the world famous Mario Testino. We were a little worried, as the last time Testino took a picture of a minor celebrity, she died a year or so later in a Parisian tunnel.
I think you'll agree that Mr Chamberlain is looking very moist and green and please rest assured that we shall update you with all new official press photographs before any other gossip magazines, or websites.
Mr Seto Cheblakian
PA (and part-time valet) to Quentin Chamberlain
See above: Dear little Quentin Chamberlain, looking quite chipper, after his ordeal.
Concrete evidence of the efficacy of Intercediary Prayers through one of the magnitude of Saint Setrag, Patron Saint of the Posh and of Orchids.
Doesn't he look well?
Message from His Grace, Francis, Anglican Bishop of Crawley:
Get well soon, Ducky,
Lots of Love from,
It is with deep regret that we must inform you that dear little
Quentin Chamberlain (formerly known as: Dzulkifli Tengku) shuffled off his mortal coil at the beginning of this week.
Please, no floral tributes.
Donations in cash, however, would be most appreciated.
Make cheques payable to Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh
(Crossed Account Payee).
Always in our thoughts and prayers, Little One.