Twilight Lawns plc

Reminders & Notices


The above is an advertisement for Dulcie cards.  

All names & addresses are purely fictional; any similarities between persons, living or dead are coincidental & the product of a deranged mind...

churchsign Setrag

Sunday Church Parade 

Residents are reminded that Father Hayastan will be conducting services for the next few weeks at Saint Setrag's,


Ablebodied Residents to meet at the front gate at 9:00 a.m.


Usual dress code: As Middle Class as possible. Ladies to wear hats. Stout walking shoes.


(No sweets, crisps or toast to be brought into the church, as occurred last week)

Raj, out lovely Under Gardener, has informed me that someone has been eating potato chips (“CHIPS”) out of a paper bag and left the evidence in the Gazebo.  Residents are reminded that they are expressly forbidden to eat chips unless purchased by a gentleman friend… which in this case seems unlikely.  

Please refer to Debrett’s pp 187 – 193 which is available in the library.  

Copies of Debrett’s may also be purchased in the kiosk near the main door.


Nurse Hildegard Smythe

Debrett1 debretts debretts-a-z-of-modern-manners Fun

Information required

If anybody could provide information as to who this person might be, please inform Nurse Smythe or any other member of Staff (excluding Sharon). He has been found in the old tool shed and nobody seems to know to what purpose.

We'll have him if nobody else wants him. We think he's hot.  What a hunk.


Cissie, Barbara,

Gertrude B, Gertrude M  & Gertrude S

Frame  4

Mr Boissevaine, Mr van Gogh, and the Fine Arts Sketching & Drawing Group are asked to immediately remove these charcoal sketches or whatever Arty Farty business they are at once.  Several of our more poorly sighted Residents have hurt themselves trying to sit on your sketches.  

Cook will give you a pail, a sponge and some carbolic if you tell her what it's for.

This is not funny, and it never has been funny.

Mrs Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh (Matron)

Yes, you lazy buggers.  You want to do somethink useful? Go and paint the Gazebo... or Raj's chicken coop.  

Is that artistic enough for you?  

Stick your charcoal where the sun don't shine.

Tom Mould

Chair- Sideways 1 Chair- Sideways 2 Chair 3 edited

Dear Relatives, Friends, Visitors and Residents,


If you have enjoyed visiting Twilight Lawns plc, but would like to know a little more about us, one has pleasure in announcing that Maude, our Dear Maude, has compiled a series of anecdotes, tales and minor histories concerning our beloved Home.

Clever Maude, with the assistance of Raj and his computer, and also having access to the filing cabinet in Nurse Smythe’s Office, has put together what these modern technology chaps call a Kindle, or eBook.  

(Heavens what bizarre words they use nowadays)

This is not, one must hasten to add, a real book, with real paper and bound in real, genuine Morocco leather, but one must move with the times one supposes.

This Kindle artefact is available on line (whatever that should mean) under the title of ‘The Twilight Lawns Chronicles’ by Ian Dorking-Clark,

(This is either a nom de plume employed by Maude and Raj or is an actual resident, one of our more literary old gentlemen, currently residing in the Lord Kitchener Wing.


Your obedient servant,

Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh (Matron)

‘The Twilight Lawns Chronicles’ by Ian Dorking-Clark

Now available on Kindle, eBook, etc. See on line & at all reputable eBook sellers.

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