Twilight Lawns plc

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Have you seen this lady?

Beatrice Orme-Wilde
 
The last photo’, taken just before Beatrice (on the right) and Maude went to the Reading Rock Festival. Both ladies went, believing that their friend Amy Something-Hyphen-Something was appearing on stage at the Reading Community Hall. Mrs Something-Hyphen-Something was noted in the past for her lovely voice and her jolly sing-alongs with her audiences.

Apparently there had been some confusion, as the artiste in question turned out to be a Miss Amy Winehouse. When contacted regarding the matter, Miss Winehouse was “unavailable for comment, due to a slight headache”. The dear lady, Miss Winehouse, appeared to have been celebrating Christmas, with large amounts of German Stolen cake, as she had a good deal of icing sugar around her mouth and nose... Bless her; it seemed to induce such a sweet disarming smile; quite ethereal, really.

But, my goodness, where the poor soul puts it, one can't imagine. The lovely person is just a waif. If she were to turn sideways, and she would be marked absent.

Three days later, shortly after their absence from Twilight Lawns had been noted, Maude returned in a somewhat dishevelled and confused state; sans raffia shopping bag; sans hat and sans Beatrice. When questioned about the matter, Maude is reported to have said,” It was lovely, dear; bursting with raucous energy and a raw, restless vitality, it remains a festival in the rudest of health”, which really didn’t sound like the Maude we all know.

Mrs Orme-Wilde should be approached with caution. Although a lady of breeding, she is wont to become aggressively defensive (or defensively aggressive) if approached from behind or spoken to severely. Apparently there was a nasty incident during the Blitz, which she finds difficult to sublimate. It should be noted that she has an aversion to men in uniform, anyone with a foreign accent (Well, that’s understandable), chewing gum, Lucky Strike cigarettes and the London Underground. She must at all times be kept away from nylon stocking and on no account should her Ration Book be removed from her under any circumstances.

As it is still unclear what she is capable of, when obstructed or angered; or its magnitude, it would be best to notify the local constabulary if she is sighted and they, and only they, should attempt to apprehend her, and return her to Twilight Lawns.

As stated, Mrs Orme-Wilde should be approached with extreme caution.

If, as we suspect, she is wearing her best pair of false teeth, she must be approached with vigilance, as she has been known to give a very nasty nip.

One has become somewhat disturbed to note that the standards one holds most dear are no longer of any joy or significance to some of the Residents of Twilight Lawns plc. If Staff should flout the rules of etiquette, it would be due to their poor or lower class upbringing. However, this does not, and should not be with respect to the Residents of the Home.
 
One was horrified to discover, only this week, that a paper bag had been left in the Gazebo. On inspection it proved to have contained, at some stage, potato chips (as in Fish and Chips… Horrors!).

One was beside one’s self with dismay. Could it be that somebody in out little Paradise on Earth should be eating chips within sight of the Big House? But worse was to come. One was informed, by Dear Raj, out lovely Under Gardener, that nobody on the staff had purchased the said chips, so it appears that the “Lady” in question had made the purchase herself. Anyone of any breeding would know that it is permissible for a young lady to partake of chips… Yes, even from a paper bag, when she has left the theatre with a gentleman friend. This eating of the “staple diet of the masses” shows a harmless, if somewhat incautious attitude to Life and Society as a whole. But never, never, never should a lady buy those chips herself. The gentleman friend would do it for her, or preferably, her chauffer, but NEVER the young lady, or any lady, for that matter.

Debrett’s [(1989) pages 187 – 193] deals with this sensitive issue.

Please note: There are copies of Debrett’s in the Library for reference on matters of this kind, but one would have thought that any lady, or gentleman, worth her/his salt, would have it as constant bedside reading anyway.

Please see the Reminders & Notices Board in the Quiet Room and Needlework Room.

Matron (Mrs Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh)

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