Twilight Lawns plc

Notice Board


In an endeavour to make our dear Residents comfortable in their accommodation at Twilight Lawns, a few simple rules have been put together so that the individuals may feel relaxed and at home.

• Residents are reminded that rooms are to be kept clean and tidy at all times

• Beds are to be made by 7:30 in the morning so that one may enjoy breakfast, knowing that if there were a spot check one would not have privileges taken away from one.

• No more than two personal photographs are to be on display, as this gives an appearance of slovenliness.  One photograph of one’s family; the choice is yours.  One may also display a photograph of Matron; these may be purchased at the book kiosk or are available from Matron, by appointment.  Signed copies at a nominal fee.

• No personal belongings, books, biscuit tins, combs, brushes etc are to be allowed to litter rooms.

• Persons of the opposite sex are not to be entertained in one’s room after dinnertime in the evening.

• Married couples are reminded that they must return to their own appropriate Wing at bed time. Gentlemen to the Lord Kitchener Wing; Ladies To their rooms in the Main Building.

• Ladies are again requested to wear hats at all times; to and from the lavatory and/or bathroom; to dinner, breakfast; tea and dinner, and of course, when out and about.  As a small concession hats are not insisted on during supper and Medication Time.

                                                                                          Nurse Smythe


Would the nasty person who has taken my best set of dentures please return them as soon as possible.  I believe there is mutton for dinner tomorrow night and I have difficulty enough as it is.

Thank you,

Beryl Bovine-Pratt (Mrs)

Room 43,

Princess May of Teck Wing


Mr Tom Mould (Gardener) is reminded that the rule concerning "persons of the opposite sex not being allowed in bedrooms after dinnertime" applies to staff also.  Please remember that Betty must not be allowed to remain in your bedroom all night, as it has been reported.

Sheep tend to benefit from fresh air!


                                              Nurse Smythe



Residents are reminded that Nurse C (Clingfilm) Kelly is here on loan from Truro Carers plc.  

Nurse Kelly believes that the Culling Season is upon us, so residents are advised not to doze off in the main reception rooms or during lectures unless there is a nominated person to keep awake nearby.



There are forty-three assorted lilac, pink and beige cardigans in the Lost Property Office near Nurse Smythe’s Dispensary.  


Those residents wishing to claim such must make an orderly queue directly after breakfast on Friday morning.  There will be the usual charge for those ladies retrieving lost property.

Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Dot Frame  4 Frame 2 Frame 3 Frame 2 Frame 2 Lord_Kitchener Princess May  of Teck


Twilight Lawns Motto


Un Intestin Heureux dans une Personne Heureuse


A Happy Bowel in a

Happy Person

Queen Alexandra


Home Sweet Home

The above is an advertisement for Dulcie cards.  

All names & addresses are purely fictional; any similarities between persons, living or dead are coincidental & the product of a deranged mind.

Betty Smell Tom Smeel

                  Will the silly persons who keep writing nasty things about

 the Staff (and Friends) of Twilight Lawns and putting them on this notice board kindly desist.

IT ISN’T FUNNY AND IT NEVER HAS BEEN.                                                                                                                                                                      Matron

‘The Twilight Lawns Chronicles’ by Ian Dorking-Clark

Now available on Kindle, eBook, etc. See on line & at all reputable eBook sellers.

Copy and paste the following link into your browser:


Alternate Thursday Evenings at 6:30 during June and July


The Reverend Hugh Halitosis

will once again be presenting

his interesting lecture:


“Surely God Must Be An Englishman”

and will be discussing

his well received Paper

delivered to

the Canterbury Ecclesiastical Reformation Assembly 2008:

“DNA testing proves that the Blessed Virgin Mary

probably originated somewhere in Hampshire”


Those interested would no doubt like to attend an interesting lecture concerning

The Missing Years of Baby Jesus and the Immigrant Family.


This lecture will take place in The Lady Margaret Bullivant Library and Quiet Room on the Upper Floor of the Princess Margaret-Rose Memorial Wing.  With colour slides.


Mrs Eulalia Hawkins will be at the door in case there is any trouble from some of our more troublesome Born Again Christian friends