Twilight Lawns plc

Norfolk Farmvillagers & other associated tools of internation crime barons

Brendan Bagwash                     Brendan found this dear Little Piggy eating what they    

(AKA) Eleanor Lavish                 thought were delicious Brown Truffles

Brenda Bagwash

Brendan wanted to share their lovely little piggy with their friends, but when they smelt his breath, they realised that it hadn’t been eating brown truffles at all.

The pig’s breath wasn’t too nice either.

Pigs are dirty little buggers and will eat anything.

Farmville Pig Truffles

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Samir Khan

Samir said: Dem animals ain't Halal man.  Get urself a real pet like a dog or a goat or a camel, Innit.

Samir Family Brenda Bagwash Brenda Bagwash Brenda Bagwash Brenda Bagwash farmville-sheep

Brendan Bagwash                      Brendan noticed this Woolly Baa Lamb lurking in the  (AKA) Eleanor Lavish                  bushes.

Brendan thought Tom Mould would like to adopt her because Betty was on holiday in Torquay with her Auntie and he was getting lonely.Unfortunately, Betty came back from Torquay unexpectedly and Brendan lost out on being a pimp.

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Samir Family

Samir Khan

                  Brendan, we're almost finished building your barn for you. We were putting the finishing touches to the roof, and suddenly Saba noticed that the three girls (Boudicca, Celia and Polly) were nowhere to be seen. Eventually we found them behind the pig pen; absolutely pissed out of their brains. Polly had gone in search of the red paint as we had asked her, But unfortunately she ended up in the most deplorable hostelry where some very inconsiderate people had been plying them with Bloody Marys all afternoon.  She became more than a little belligerent when we asked her where the red paint we had sent her in search of had gone, and told Dear Little Saba, that “Bloody Marys were the nearest to fucking red liquid he was likely to be getting “in or out of a can”.  Saba burst into tears.  You know what a sensitive little chap he is. What a nasty end to a lovely day.  Demon drink, Brendan, The Devil’s tool.

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Farmville black sheep

Brendan Bagwash                    Brendan heard the sound of crying on their allotment, (AKA) Eleanor Lavish                and look what they found.

This dear little Woolly Baa Lamby wandered into Brendan’s part of Norfolk Farmville, crying his dear little Woolly Eyes out. Nasty Celia Wicket and her BNP cronies had given him such a hard time... just because he looked different to all the other sheep on her farm. "Sanctuary!" he cried, plaintively, "Sanctuary!” but nasty old Brendan wasn't interested. All they wanted was a life of hedonistic pleasure, with their new friends.

Wicked, wicked, cruel Brendan!

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Samir Family

Samir Khan said:

                              I know just how he feels.  I saw this gang of white woolly thugs looking at him sideways and pretending not to notice.  But there was a lot of jostling going on there and saying rude words.  Celia and her cronies were in there asking the "other ones" (the white ones) to sign up for the BNP or UKIP or whatever wanky political party she belongs to.  They even tried to bribe all of us with free meals.  We were almost tempted at first, till it turned out to be Lamb Biryani, and that's not on, man.

Don't let them try to buy your favours, man.  Some people will do anything for a Biryani, but Lamb Biryani's cannibalism, Nowah Amin.

black-sheep and gang

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a very distressing tale of how a good woman had her mind destroyed by an evil "game" that is sweeping the world

Look, with an open mind, at the "game" set out before you.  Perhaps you have played a similar game on the Internet yourself.  Perhaps, as we speak, your loved ones are spending their time in harmless relaxation; selling strawberries or harvesting corn; finding little lost animals that have strayed onto the Farm that they, your nearest and dearest. have so innocently stocked with animals, root vegetables and outbuildings;  have collected butterflies and cans of fuel or sacks of fertiliser .

It's all good clean fun, isn't it? It's a harmless form of relaxation, of course.  But is it?

Read with horror, if you must, the tragic tale of a dear sweet old lady, who we will refer to here, simply as Celia Wicket, to protect her good name.  Read how, too late, her family tried to save her, having ignored the advice of a pure and wonderful man.  Read how she spiralled into madness and mind destroying delusions.

The next page will explain all.  Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Brendan Bagwash               Brendan is working hard on a Nursery Barn in Norfolk (AKA) Eleanor Lavish           Villages

Brendan is constructing a Nursery Barn and needs help! They need their friends to send them 10 Wooden Boards, 7 Kilos of Nails, 8 Bottles, and 9 Blankets, 3 x 20 Kilo Bags of Ferous Nitrate, 1 Generator (petrol driven), 2 Areial Photogtaphs of the Palace of Westminster, 5 Maps of the London Underground and 1 Partridge in a Pear Tree.

ENzz says:


Brendan Bagwash                      Brendan found this dear Little Piggy with his snout in the (AKA) Eleanor Lavish                  trough, eating goodness knows what slop.

Suddenly Brendan recognised the Restaurant:

"My goodness," they stammered, and their face went red with embarrassment.  "I seem to remember this restaurant.  I get free Biryanis from here for services rendered".  

Piggy was nonplussed… He was only a young and inexperienced Piglet really, and not a Pig of the World.  With no finesse, no sophistication.  But unlike his date for the evening, he had morals.

Signs Paki Halstead

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Donkey 2


                 Got your message, Brother.  Heavy, man. A shipment of  "balloons" is ready for dispatch.  Give my love to "Auntie Fawzia" and take care.

Brendan took him by his little piggy trotter and they went out for a quiet candlelit dinner at the ‘Taj Mahal’ Indian Restaurant, Lower Halstead-in-the-Marsh, where Brendan has often had a good mouthful.

It was their First Date.

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Brenda Bagwash

Brendan Bagwash                       Brendan and their New Friend walked along the       (AKA) Eleanor Lavish                   picturesque little street in Lower Halstead-in-the-Marsh

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The above is an advertisement for Dulcie cards.  

All names & addresses are purely fictional; any similarities between persons, living or dead are coincidental & the product of a deranged mind...

Gxxxxa Fuel

Celia Wicket                     Celia found some fuel and wants to share it with you in

                                         Norfolk FarmVillages!

Celia was helping around your farm, when they stumbled across some extra fuel! There's more to be had, so Celia wants to share some with you!

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Samir Family

Samir Khan

                    You're naught, naughty, girl, Celia.  Just because you found that fuel on Brendan's allotment, it doesn't mean it's yours to keep or to share.  Give it back.  That's common theft

Samir says:

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Celia Wicket                 Celia says:

                         Your a stupid stupid stupid man samir do you look like your pic or do you look like your mate ENzz more like it why dont you mind your own business and leave us alone its only a game samir

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Boudicca           Boudicca says:

                           Yes, Samir.  You get on with your life and let me and my dear old sainted Mother get on with ours.  It's only a game, Samir.  It's only a bit of fun. She's a mother of  five strong lads and myself and a grandmother and could give you a run for your money.

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For convenience in understanding, these postings have been placed in reverse order; older entries at the top; newer entries at the bottom, so as not to interfere with the flow.

Brenda Bagwash

Brendan Bagwash                          Brendan found a lost turtle on their farm. Oh no! (AKA) Eleanor Lavish

Brendan was farming when a sad, Lost Turtle wandered onto their farm in FarmVille. This little guy was running a race and lost his way.  None of his little friends are to be found.  He is sad and alone and feels he wants a new home.

Farmville Tortoise

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Samir Family

Samir Khan           Samir says:

                   Get a grip, Brendan.  That's not a turtle.  It's a tortoise.  Turtles swim and tortoises walk.  That's the whole bloody point of the race in the fable  Next minute there'll be some sodding Hare coming and saying he's lost and pissed off for losing the race.  And Brer Rabbit and Brer Bear and all the rest of the sodding Brer Animals  Get on with your farming, you soft touch.

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Celia Wicket               Celia says:

                      Bugger off samir and leave us alone we are enjoying ourselves and working in norfolk farmvillagers takes too much time to listen to you why dont you go and do something useful and leave us workers alone i mean it we have strawberries to harvest and fuel to find and thats enough for today.

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Gentle reader. Please go to the next page (Norfolk Farmvillagers II) and discover how “Celia” (name withed for obvious reasons), a kind mother and grandmother, became so taken up by the thrill of the “game” that she started to believe that she was actually tending a holding in her native Norfolk.  Witness how she became deluded, and with delusion came aggression, perversity and unreasonableness.