Twilight Lawns Location
Residential Home for Distressed Gentlefolk,
is located in the lovely County of Surrey.
Travelling to Twilight Lawns by Railway Train:
The nearest railway station to the Home is Norbury Station, served by both the
London Bridge and Victoria lines.
Prospective Visitors and/or Prospective Residents are advised that it would be wise to inform the home beforehand if planning to visit, and, at a very small, nominal fee, our Mr Mould (our Head Gardener) will be pleased to collect visitors from Norbury Station in the Twilight Lawns char-à-banc.
Conversely if one would like a less scenic and somewhat nastier ride, there is a quite pleasant chap at Tamil Taxis which is located near the station;
he will no doubt be willing to take your money for the trip.
It would be foolish to try to approach Twilight Lawns on foot, as there is a rather distasteful group of people in the vicinity, footpads and such, whom one would be wise to avoid.
Travelling to Twilight Lawns by Private Automobile:
After passing through and leaving the picturesque little village of Thornton Heath, instruct you chauffer to leave the London Road at
the Alabama Fried Chicken Emporium.
Travel for two miles down Punjabi Avenue till you take a sharp right past
White Trash Villas into New Cannery Row.
Continue down New Cannery Row for a further mile, cross the level crossing at the Southern Region Marshalling Yards.
At the Dog’s Swamp Roundabout, take the third exit and continue till you arrive at the gates of Twilight Lawns, Residential Home for Distressed Gentlefolk.
Do not be confused about our large signpost that some local wags have painted over and re-written the legend thus:
TERMINAL HOME FOR OLD FARTS & CRAZY OLD BIRDS.