Twilight Lawns plc

a couple of Jolly Incidents

Elspeth Lives Rough


Elspeth wandered off shortly after the Easter Service, and wasn’t missed until three weeks later when she was discovered living rough in the Grotto of the Four Hundred Virgins of Cracow, Thornton Heath, where she has been subsisting on votive candles, mice, voles and water from the well.


When captured, she seemed none the worse for wear, but as she had been running wild for some time, it was thought best to send her to the Doctor for a check up.  Sharon took her, but hadn’t listening carefully, as she had been texting a message to Raj, on her mobile ‘phone.  By mistake, she took Elspeth to Mark Nelson the Vet rather than to Doctor Graham.


However, there was a happy result…  Mr Nelson, thinking that Elspeth was Semi, one of his patients, clipped her nails, had her hair mats removed and pronounced her to be in relatively good health, but suggested that she should have her anal glands cleaned more regularly.


Semi or Elspeth, the similarity is remarkable. When combed and dematted nobody seemed to notice the difference.

‘The Twilight Lawns Chronicles’ by Ian Dorking-Clark

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The above is an advertisement for Dulcie cards.

All names & addresses are purely fictional; any similarities between persons, living or dead are coincidental & the product of a deranged mind.


Emily Moves On


During a lecture entitled: “Mobile ‘Phones is Massive, Innit”, delivered by Raj, the Gardener’s Lad, Emily shuffled off her mortal coil; it was not discovered until Medication Time the following evening.  Cissie had been telling her a long involved story concerning an anticipated visit from her mother, which camouflaged the event…


Apparently Emily’s last words were, “I’m almost ninety, you know”.


The Bishop of Crawley was due to visit on the following afternoon, and it was thought better not to confuse the matter with a defunct resident, so we wheeled Emily into the passageway by the kitchen, where Cook parks her Harley Davison. It’s cool there and with a liberal daily dusting with talcum powder there was hardly any smell from her at all.


As Emily won’t be needing her Blue Badge Scheme card any more, and it will be useful for Matron when she is out and about in her motorcar, we have decided not to notify Motability and we have now wheeled Emily into the back of the freezer and cold store, from whence she can be brought out, if and when her relatives visit her.