Twilight Lawns plc

If I’d Got There First


If I’d Got There First


Sorry, Mr Noyes


written by

Mr Cornwallis


It was a cold and dark, dark night

Oh cold, and dark and chill the night

Only the moon was shining bright

Or to use the adverb, it brightly shone,

The lonely road it shone upon

On that windswept moor; that awful night.


The horseman came on his horse (of course).

What use is a horseman without his horse?

He’d slipped a fine saddle upon his horse

Well, not slipped, for a saddle’s a huge pile of crap

With skirt, seat, and cantle and heavy girth strap

And irons for the stirrups which all need great force.


He came to the inn yard. On the great door he tapped

And he tapped and he tapped and then loudly rapped

He rapped yet more loudly, till his temper near snapped

Then inserted his fingers and the letterbox he flapped

Then looking around him he saw on the floor;

Lying all by itself near the great inn yard door

A brick, which in very nice paper he wrapped.


On the paper he’d written, “To my dearest Bess,

“I tried to gain entry, but I must confess,

“Though I knocked quite politely… Well, more or less,

“Nobody answered; I’ve had no success”.

Then he took up his brick in the message he’d wrote

(Oops! I should have said wrapped in the note

That he’d written) and threw with finesse.


He threw it with feeling right over the wall

Like a bowler at Lords; like the Paki they called;

“The Rawalpindi Express” at that match in Lahore.

And a voice from within shouted, “Oi! What’s that for?”

“There’s no one here; they’ve all gone out: King George’s boys

“The landlord’s gone; Bess has gone; and Alfred Noyes

It’s just me, the ostler, just Tim… and that’s all”.


“So bugger off, mate!” said the voice from inside,

“You’ve missed your chance, horseman. You should decide”

“When going out visiting, if on horse, you’re astride

“Just plan in advance, and let this be your guide:

“Your Bess has been courting one of King George’s chaps.

“Her dad’s in agreement, so you’re out, friend… But perhaps

“If you’ve got nothing planned, I could let you in and we could watch a bit of TV and send out for kebabs and French fries”.

The above is an advertisement for Dulcie cards.  

All names & addresses are purely fictional; any similarities between persons, living or dead are coincidental & the product of a deranged mind.