There are certain criteria which we insist on at Twilight Lawns Retirement Home for Distressed Gentlefolk. Below is a rudimentary checklist which I suggest you peruse before making the first moves to register for a place in our establishment. One would not want to be disappointed, would one? So the first requisite must be that one should be of a decent class, and all else must follow.
This check list is couched in friendly terms as we mean to commence where possible on polite terms. But please note: Familiarity is frowned upon, so Prospective Residents should be aware of this so that no misunderstandings should take place.
Where appropriate, reply with a polite YES or NO
A Do you, as one would hope, bank with a reputable banking house. We like our residents to bank with Coutts and Co or one of the more acceptable banking houses situated offshore.
B Are you related to anybody with a title or someone with lots of Old Money? We don't want impecunious Riff Raff in our establishment
C Do you speak correctly and do you have all the social graces so that you won't be embarrassed at dinner time when you don't know the difference between a fish slice and a cake knife?
D Were you born in one of the Colonies? (The British Empire) There are some which are acceptable, and some which are not. Be careful... New Zealand, Canada or British India... only one is acceptable. A person of class would know which.
E Please indicate by neatly underlining the word one would use if one spoke correctly; toilet or lavatory
F Which is the correct term; napkin or serviette?
G Does one say pudding or dessert?
H Should one eat jelly with a spoon, a fork, or both?
I Is one’s surname hyphenated?
J If the answer to question I is YES, was the name hyphenated before or after 1914? State whether BEFORE or AFTER.
K Does one use scent or perfume?
L Does one look in the mirror or looking glass?
M Does one say, "What?" or "Pardon?"?