As is our policy here at Twilight Lawns, we vet all correspondence entering and leaving the Home. Otherwise, all sorts of sillinesses might occur, such as the embarrassing muddle last year, when Beatrice and Lillian availed themselves of the photocopier in Nurse Smythe’s office and distributed those silly pamphlets in the local area; but also sent a good deal of unnecessary letters to our dear Local Member of Parliament, The Right Honourable, Sir Clydesdale Handin-Tylle, and also to that dear man, and frequent visitor to Twilight lawns, Clarence Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh, Bishop of Saint Reatham-in-the-Wold. ‘Twas his Grace who first notified us of the letters and pamphlets with which Lillian and Beatrice had been annoying people.
May I repeat: “You were not being kept against your will Beatrice; it was for your own good. Many a lady of your advanced years would be pleased to know that she was locked in at night, to prevent intruders.” And if Lillian were still with us, I would say the same to her. Taking an overdose of Mrs Prendergast’s medication didn’t prove anything; it just landed you in an NHS Geriatric Hospital, where you deserve to be, you wicked, wicked woman.
So when we were going through the outgoing mail boxes the other day, it gave us great pleasure to read the following, which had been addressed to some nonentity who had shown interest in taking up residence, chez us..
NB: Mr Pat and Mrs Debbie Connell are old and well loved residents at Twilight Lawns. They provide little trouble to Staff or other Residents and apart from a few harmless foibles, seem to have settled in here and seem to be happy with their lot. They have a lovely double room overlooking the chicken run and part of the wall that almost obscures the dustbin area, and on a good day have splendid views of Raj’s Black Orpington hens scratching around and sunbathing,
Dear Mrs Connell ('Debbie' as she likes to be addressed) gave us all an excuse for a genteel little smile, when, on her first visit to the Home, having been told that she and her husband "should be neither impecunious nor having New Money" (How one loathes the Nouveau Riche… unless there is a lot of it) brandished a Ten Shilling Note as she entered the main doorway, saying, “Ain't this old money enough?”.
What a lark! It was her lovely ingenuous sense of humour that endeared her to us from that day forth.
So, in recognition of The Connells' endeavours to “put out the good word” concerning Twilight Lawns and the Staff and Amenities, we have decided to reward them accordingly,
We ask them to accept a complimentary package of Senna Relief (Relief for the Elderly) which is on its way to them. We ask if they find the 2Kg pack is not sufficient to their needs, just to let us know. Also, as a special gift to Mrs Connell (our Dear Debbie) we include a bumper pack of Tenna Ladies, as I heard her confess in conversation recently, “I have a little problem; I pee myself when I laugh and the cold weather is approaching; if I sneeze,,, well, say no more”.
Bless her. She does has a colourful turn of phrase.
The above is an advertisement for Dulcie cards.
All names & addresses are purely fictional; any similarities between persons, living or dead are coincidental & the product of a deranged mind....
Please find here, a lovely letter from a dear old gentleman, a former Schoolmaster, who has heard of Twilight Lawns plc through a former pupil.
Considering my great age and the fact that I became a little too excited when reading all those lovely Birthday Greetings and Kind Thoughts from my dear friends, the powers that be have decided that I should be put in a Retirement Home; if not permanently, at least for the next few weeks so that I can settle down and recoup my strength.
Sweet little Debbie (a former student, now Mrs Debbie Connell) has suggested that I would be quite happy in the Retirement Home where her loving daughters (Fluffy & Daisy) put her when she “lost the plot” due to her great age. She and her lovely Hubby Pat are very happy at Twilight Lawns, where I hope to be for some time.
Mrs Connell approached Mrs Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh and Nurse Smythe concerning the matter. They were in agreement, and undertook to admit the gentleman on a temporary basis
Her letter to our prospective resident follows:
I have secured you a lovely room overlooking the lush greens, where we can reminisce over our delicious meals we used to enjoy, those succulent green leaves, ohh how I miss those days. Still now its time for you to join my husband and I in this lovely place Twilight Lawns, your every need will be catered for, I'm looked after so well even with my little problem, its no bother. Look forward to seeing you soon
your good friends Debbie & Pat Connell
Apparently the former “Dear Little Debbie” refers to cabbage and other delicious brassicas that she enjoyed so much when, as a child, she attended a Finishing School for Young Ladies of Class, Saint Charles d’Ickens in The Borough.
Please note: "Fluffy" is one of the daughters of Mrs Connell.
Not to be confused with Francis ("Fluffy"), Anglican Bishop of Crawley a dear friend of Mrs Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh.
‘The Twilight Lawns Chronicles’ by Ian Dorking-Clark
Now available on Kindle, eBook, etc. See on line & at all reputable eBook sellers.