As is our policy here at Twilight Lawns, we vet all correspondence entering and leaving the Home. Otherwise, all sorts of sillinesses might occur, such as the embarrassing muddle last year, when Beatrice and Lillian availed themselves of the photocopier in Nurse Smythe’s office and distributed those silly pamphlets in the local area; but also sent a good deal of unnecessary letters to our dear Local Member of Parliament, The Right Honourable, Sir Clydesdale Handin-Tylle, and also to that dear man, and frequent visitor to Twilight lawns, Clarence Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh, Bishop of Saint Reatham-in-the-Wold. ‘Twas his Grace who first notified us of the letters and pamphlets with which Lillian and Beatrice had been annoying people.
May I repeat: “You were not being kept against your will Beatrice; it was for your own good. Many a lady of your advanced years would be pleased to know that she was locked in at night, to prevent intruders.” And if Lillian were still with us, I would say the same to her. Taking an overdose of Mrs Prendergast’s medication didn’t prove anything; it just landed you in an NHS Geriatric Hospital, where you deserve to be, you wicked, wicked woman.
So when we were going through the outgoing mail boxes the other day, it gave us great pleasure to read the following, which had been addressed to some nonentity who had shown interest in taking up residence, chez us..
NB: Mr Pat and Mrs Debbie Connell are old and well loved residents at Twilight Lawns. They provide little trouble to Staff or other Residents and apart from a few harmless foibles, seem to have settled in here and seem to be happy with their lot. They have a lovely double room overlooking the chicken run and part of the wall that almost obscures the dustbin area, and on a good day have splendid views of Raj’s Black Orpington hens scratching around and sunbathing,
Dear Mrs Connell ('Debbie' as she likes to be addressed) gave us all an excuse for a genteel little smile, when, on her first visit to the Home, having been told that she and her husband "should be neither impecunious nor having New Money" (How one loathes the Nouveau Riche… unless there is a lot of it) brandished a Ten Shilling Note as she entered the main doorway, saying, “Ain't this old money enough?”.
What a lark! It was her lovely ingenuous sense of humour that endeared her to us from that day forth.
So, in recognition of The Connells' endeavours to “put out the good word” concerning Twilight Lawns and the Staff and Amenities, we have decided to reward them accordingly,
We ask them to accept a complimentary package of Senna Relief (Relief for the Elderly) which is on its way to them. We ask if they find the 2Kg pack is not sufficient to their needs, just to let us know. Also, as a special gift to Mrs Connell (our Dear Debbie) we include a bumper pack of Tenna Ladies, as I heard her confess in conversation recently, “I have a little problem; I pee myself when I laugh and the cold weather is approaching; if I sneeze,,, well, say no more”.
Bless her. She does has a colourful turn of phrase.